Why I Love Navy Medicine

My funniest story involving Navy "medics", which we call Corpsmen:

It was back in 1996, I'd only been at Lejeune a couple of years or so. LCpl Dugger went to one of the satellite clinics for a scheduled pre-commissioning physical. Part of that physical was an EKG.

Come time for the EKG, a young female HN (Paygrade E-3, equivalent rank to me) walks me back to the exam room, has me strip from the waist up and lie down on the exam table. She attached a few little pads and leads around my chest, then flipped on the EKG machine. One the bep-beep-beep rhythm was established, she hit the button for a printout.

GARRRBZZZGARRBZZT - *RRRIP!*

She tore off the printout, squinched up her eyes for a second, and said "Hmmm. That's weird."

GARRRBZZZGARRBZZT - *RRRIP!*

"Hey, um... are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah," I said. "Just fine."

"Wait right here for a minute," she said, then walked out.

A couple of minutes later, she returned with an HM3 (E-4), who also walked over to the machine and hit the button for a printout.

GARRRBZZZGARRBZZT - *RRRIP!*

"Hmmm," he said, peering at the prntout.

GARRRBZZZGARRBZZT - *RRRIP!*

Staring more intently now, he looks at it, asking me "Do you feel okay? Experiencing any pain or anything?"

"No,", I said. "Just a little sore from PT this morning."

"Well, just relax and wait right here, we're gonna take care of you!" Then they both walk out, whispering to each other.

A minute or two later, in walks the doctor - and I don't just mean an MO, or any ol' Navy doctor - it's a Captain (equivalent to a Marine Colonel!), the commander of the clinic, strolling in with the HN and HM3 in his wake.

"Good morning! How are we feeling today, Lance Corporal?"

"Just fine, sir!" says I, fighting the urge to jump up and stand at attention.

So now, the Captain took his turn with the machine - GARRRBZZZGARRBZZT - *RRRIP!*

Reading the EKG intently, he asks me "Are you in any pain, son? Feeling light-headed or anything?"

"Um, no sir... I feel just fine," I replied, although I was actually sweating a bit at this point.

Well, you just lie right there and relax, son. Everything is going to be alright!" They all three moved out of the room with a definite sense of purpose as I watched, wondering WTF was going on.

A minute later, the HN walks in again. GARRRBZZZGARRBZZT - *RRRIP!*She took another printout sheet and starts to head back out before I stop her. "Excuse me," I asked. "Is there anything wrong?"

She stopped midstride, turned around to look me in the eye, raising her hands, and said "I'm NOT ALLOWED to tell you!", then scurried off.

At this point, I am seriously wondering how and why I have screwed up the insides of my 21-year-old body so badly that nobody can figure out what my problem is.

Three minutes later, an HMC (E-7) walks in, appearing businesslike but not overly concerned. "Hey, man. How ya doin' this morning?"

"Ummm... okay so far, Chief."

GARRRBZZZGARRBZZT - *RRRIP!* The Chief looked at the printout for a moment, glanced at me, then did it again. GARRRBZZZGARRBZZT - *RRRIP!*

"Ah, Jesus, you gotta be SHITTIN' me!" He reached over, pulled one lead off my chest, then another one, switched their locations, and snapped them back onto the pads.

GARRRBZZZGARRBZZT - *RRRIP!* He looked at the printout, laughed, rolled his eyes, then sauntered out of the room. shaking his head.

Within five minutes, the HN had returned, made the proper entries in my record, and I was out the front door with my physical passed and complete. I guess sometimes, humorous though it might seem, the Navy Medical Corps doesn't really like to dwell on their mistakes...